Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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