Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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