If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Are we still banned from the library?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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