Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Randomize
