you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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