The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
