I just saw a hot homeless man
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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