Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
