He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
