I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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