Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
