Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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