Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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