i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
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I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
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STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
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