i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
