I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?