i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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