oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
