I'm going to jail i love you
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
