If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
