nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
my phone needs a breathalizer
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
