Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
