My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
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like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
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My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.