Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I want to have your abortion
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom