I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
These 19 Men’s Fashion Mistakes are Unforgivable, According to Women
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
25 Cringeworthy Below the Pants Injuries
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.