You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow