I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...