Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
