that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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