There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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