I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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