Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
