he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
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If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
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I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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