who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
