I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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