Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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