We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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