so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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