So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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