My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
