Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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