I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
