mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
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