i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
