Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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