Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
