Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
