you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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