With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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