just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
