I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
