is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
