I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
