oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
