I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
