We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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