my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Just high enough for therapy.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
