My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
