Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
